That is All: Lost Pants

"Don't you hate pants?!"
— Homer Simpson

Have you heard about the judge who is suing his neighborhood dry cleaners for millions because they allegedly lost a pair of his pants?
I'd be surprised if you haven't heard because the legal circus unfolding in a courtroom in the nation's capital has become an international news story. Seriously.
Tuesday, the opening day of the trial on the lost trousers, drew print and broadcast reporters from at least five countries. The Washington Post had two reporters covering the madness in D.C. Superior Court.
Administrative law judge Roy L. Pearson is suing Custom Cleaners for $54 million because he says business owners Jin and Soo Chung lost a pair of his pants in 2005.
Pearson originally asked for $65 million under the District of Columbia consumer protection act.
Essentially, Pearson wants to take the cleaners to the cleaners.
He now says he is no longer seeking damages for the lost pants, but is focusing his claims on two signs in the shop that have since been taken down: One said "Satisfaction Guaranteed" and the other "Same Day Service."
Pearson, acting as his own attorney, called a parade of witnesses Tuesday to build his case against the Chungs.
"Never before in recorded history have a group of defendants engaged in such misleading and unfair business practices," Pearson said in his opening statement, with a straight face.
The Post reported seeing Judge Judith Bartnoff biting her lip with her head down. Your tax dollars at work, my friends.
Pearson took the witness stand and spent more than two hours spilling his sob story about the lost pants and the trauma it caused him.
In May 2005, Pearson dropped off several suits for alterations. A pair of pants from a blue and maroon suit was missing when he requested it two days later, and he claims Soo Chung tried to give him a pair of charcoal gray pants instead.
As Pearson testified that those weren't the pants for the suit, he choked up and left the courtroom crying after asking Bartnoff for a break.
Seriously. He had tears running down his face as he exited the courtroom. Over a pair of pants.
Man, it must have been one very special pair of pants.
I've worn a lot of pants in my lifetime, but I can't say I've ever gotten emotional about any of them.
As anyone with two legs and modesty can assert, I have worn all kinds of pants: Blue jean, corduroy, linen, wool, cotton, polyester, straight-legged, boot cut, too short, too long, pleated, with cuffs, without cuffs, and so on.
I've had some great pairs of pants.
I've torn and split pants. I've had cigarettes and cigars burn clean through my pants finding tender skin to sizzle. And yes, I have even lost a pair of pants.
But I have never ever cried about a pair of pants.
In this life, it's important to know your priorities.
For me, as long as the pants are clean and have a functioning zipper, I'm good to go. If my pants happen to end up matching the color of my shirt — hey, that's a nice bonus.
That is all.