That is All: Divine Driving

"You drive me crazy."
— Britney Spears

Thou shall not flick a lit cigarette out the car window while driving at 88 mph.
If thou do so, punishment will be harsh and swift.
News out of Vatican City this week was sobering for a whole lot of motorists.
The Vatican issued its own rules of the road, a compendium of do's and don'ts on the moral aspects of driving and motoring, reported Reuters news service.
A 36-page document called Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road contains 10 Commandments covering everything from road rage, respecting pedestrians, keeping your car in good shape and avoiding rude gestures while behind the wheel.
"Cars tend to bring out the 'primitive' side of human beings, thereby producing rather unpleasant results," the document says.
The holy powers-that-be are appealing to what they called the "noble tendencies" of the human spirit, urging responsibility and self-control to prevent the psychological regression often associated with driving.
I'm guessing the nice lady in the blue Chevy who stopped to let me onto Main Street from the Arby's parking lot — before I reached retirement age — was exercising her noble tendencies.
Thank you, ma'am.
The new Road Commandments also instruct motorists not to drive under the influence of alcohol, and to obey speed limits. The latter rule is going to be tough for many of us, I fear.
Praying while driving was encouraged, which is fine, but how am I supposed to make the sign of the cross if I keep both hands on the wheel?
A full reading of the Vatican's missive is troubling. Turns out I am a bad Catholic.
Consider this rule: Thou shall not consider a car an object of personal glorification or use it as a place of sin.
Oops. Guilty and guilty.
My current sin is that I find myself coveting the new Saturn Sky. I want one in chili pepper red with black leather seats. Sa-weet!
Guess I'd better head to the confessional. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been three minutes since my last daydream about the Saturn Sky."
While the Vatican's Rules of the Road were comprehensive, I thought of a few more Road Commandments:
• Thou shall not eat a Whopper while steering with your knees.
• Thou shall leave your cell phone alone once entering your vehicle.
• Thou shall not drive — period — if you've reached the age of 105 and your body has shrunken to the size of a small child. Credit may be earned if your forehead rises above the dashboard.
• Thou shall not inflate your ego above the combined psi of your tires.
• Thou shall not drive in reverse for a distance greater than 100 yards.
• Thou shall replace your vehicle's muffler if it becomes louder than the Korn CD blaring from your stereo.
• Thou shall replace your vehicle's shocks before the seesawing chassis loosens the teeth of your passengers.
• Thou shall not allow your 5-year-old to steer the family SUV from your lap, no matter how cute it seems at the time.
And finally:
• Thou shall use your turn signals — please!
That is all.